Today I had my nieces and nephew in my care all day, and it was a hectic day.
I tried my best to keep them busy and stuff. I just feel that I fail all the time at being good with kids.
Well, to point out the small 'successes' today, they ate everything I gave them, even the carrots that I mixed in the mac and cheese(except for my nephew, who picked out and gave them all to his sister)
I mean, they didn't do any real damage to themselves or anything around them, but still, the constant fighting between them, it just make me feel like I'm an awful person who can't even keep them from fighting all the time.
It is more than exhausting and demoralizing to hear the kids you love argue and fight and then out of the blue get along like nothing happened, only to be fighting a moment later.
I don't know how my sister does it, or even, my mom.
Apparently when she cares for them, they fight far less than they did with me.
I think they still fight, but somehow, my sister and my mom can shut down the fighting a little faster.
I have no idea what to say to get them to stop, besides to say 'stop fighting' and that seems to do nothing.
The craft sets from the dollar store didn't work they way I was hoping and I regret not buying the other craft set that might have worked better.
Yeah, I just wish I could have more authority with my nieces and nephew.
It seems they just take everything for granted, and do not seem to care about the great value of things and how people have worked hard to provide things like clothes, food, toys, entertainment, homes, vehicles.
They have so little respect for these things it seems, or just... is it me... ??
I wonder if I should regret my generosity in caring for them, giving them oatmeal with strawberries, mac and cheese with carrots, ice cream with chocolate sauce, cookies, juice, for taking them to the park, for letting them play in the back yard, for letting them watch whatever they want on television. For letting them play with all the board games(they didn't ask they just tore into all the closets and took out stuff, it was totally frustrating that they didn't ASK).
I should regret doing all this, right, or should I not. They did not even thank me, but I still ache with love for them.
I wonder when they will realize how much it hurts someone who gives you all kinds of things, at their own expense, and don't even hear a thank you, but in fact are treated with the disrespect of lousy attitudes??
Maybe it was the heat making them crazy. I really don't know, I don't want them to be so mean, but they are kids, hopefully they don't understand that their behavior was hurtful. They wouldn't hurt me on purpose, right??
SIGH!!
Thoughts from the mind of a birth mom in open adoption and a devout christian who loves everyone
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
My Miracles
For a while now I have been thinking about making a record of my most personally significant miracles.
I actually think about them often, the major personal miracles that I have experienced.
I mean, I could see many things as personal miracles, but honestly I only have about five that I think of as honest 'miracles' you know, the kind where angels show up and stuff?? Maybe you don't know those kinds of miracles, or maybe this post is not going to be read by anyone but me, so I'm the one that knows.
Anyways, here goes, stories of my miracles.
In all my miracles, well the ones I am going to describe now, I can actually tell you where they happened, like on a map and what physically happened is so obviously true because I'm still here to tell you about it.
My first miracle, the first one I can remember, besides the miracle of my salvation, which occurred a week after my first time through summer Bible school, during a boring sermon, where I first felt the Holy Spirit tell me that I am loved by God, before that, I really didn't understand, but then I did. It was the summer I was five, BTW.
The incident that I think of as a first miracle happened as I walked home from school alone, when I was five, so pretty much my first year of real school. Anyways, at the time my family lived in the smallest community in Calgary. Vista Heights, which is located just south of the Deerfoot and 16 Ave(if you know Calgary, you know where that is). I lived in a duplex(with stuck-co and green trim) just across from the park, and on the other end of that field that contained the park, is the school I first attended. From that house, my mom could technically watch me walk all the way home, almost. See, there is a hill. Well, the park, and the field, and the school, they all are lower than the road beside them. To get out of that field you have to climb out of it, and that climb is steep. As kids, my siblings and I often loved to sled on it in the winter. The only problem being that from the house we lived in, you could not see anyone at the base of that steep hill.
This is where I was attacked by some older boys on my way home, which was only about one block, maybe a block and a half technically, if you were counting from the roads on the other side of the field.
I was only walking alone because my best friend, Marian, was home sick with measles.
These boys that attacked me, they had teased me, and many others often.
They were the kind of boys that like to do stuff like that.
Here's how they attacked me, a five year old at the time, they pushed me down, face down on my belly.
Then I felt one of them (there were five of them, and I still know who most of them are, full names)
sit on my legs, another stood on my back, well, it felt like feet were on my back, but it could have been two of them with one foot each on my back. At the point where they were about to shove my face into the ground I actually clasped my hands together like you do when you pray when your a kid and shouted "JESUS HELP ME!"
That's when the strange and wonderful miracle happened. I don't know how, but instantly, INSTANTLY, I was standing, and moving. I thought I was running, but I didn't feel my feet on the ground, at least I don't remember feeling my feet on the ground, I also don't remember hearing my feet on the ground.
I do remember thinking that those boys might be chasing me, so when I got to my front walkway, I looked back at the field, to see how far I had gained on them, but they were all still just standing there, at the exact place where they pushed me down. You might think I am making this story up, but I'm not, and I don't care if you believe me or not. I do remember that my mom chided me about getting my shirt dirty, because it was a new white girls style polo shirt and I got grass stains on the front of it. As well, the first thing I did, because I did this every day, even when Marian walked me home, I would call her,or she would call me. That day I remember I called her, to see if I could come over. I could, because apparently she was well enough for me to come over and play. I remember that day I ran over to her house, which was one block down the street and three houses around the corner. When I got to her house, she said she was amazed at how fast I got there, it was like I developed some kind of Gideon like strength for running and sort of flew everywhere that day. I might be exaggerating it, but this is how I remember it.
My next miracle was when I was 11 years old and my family had just moved to this new house, the house I ironically live in now(even though I have lived many other places in my adult life). It was the first real day at this house, and of course my mom and some friends of theirs were all trying to get the house sorted out with all the stuff and all that moving entails. My siblings and I were apparently in the way so we were sent, with some neighbor kids, to the nearest park. Which is a part next too the community center, just about two blocks behind this house. In Falconridge BTW, it was a fairly new community when my family moved into the place. It used to be on the very north east edge of the city, but now there are two and a half communities where there used to be farm land. Anyways, I followed my siblings to the park next to the community center, but I didn't stay with them. I know, that was not very nice of me. I had this habit of not wanting to play the same things that my siblings did. I would rather explore, or read, or do anything else most of the time. I am that way now, I don't like to do what everyone else wants me to do. I'll do it if I really have to, but when I see a way out, I take it. So what I did was just keep walking. I don't even remember if my siblings and the neighbor kids even notice that I left them to play at the totally boring kiddie park. I had a plan though, I was only going to keep track of where I went in the neighborhood as I explored, you know, counting how many left or right turns I took or how many blocks I walked. I like getting to know places, even now, more than 20 years later, but I know as a child of only 11 years, I shouldn't have gone off on my own like that. It was summer time when my family moved to this house, of course, summer time is the best time to move with a family of school aged kids because then they can start the new year of school with all the other kids and not be like one of those oddball kids that has to interrupt a classroom one day with the teacher having to make an awkward introduction and all. That's just unnecessary and confusing for everyone because then being that new kid is hard because you have to catch up on things and stuff. It was good to move to this house in the summer of my eleventh year of life. It worked out OK.
Anyways, about the miracle that happened, well what happened was the my method of mentally tracking my progress through the neighborhood failed me. Also, because it was summer, and I forgot that I need to drink water, I had begun to feel the affects of the heat. I think it was about noon time when my siblings were sent with the neighbor kids to that park, I can't remember that part. What I do remember is suddenly feeling dizzy, because of the heat and looking around me and totally starting to freak out because I couldn't remember how to get home or how I had gotten where I was. It was mostly because I was distracted by a pink house. A pink house that still exists on that street, that is only a few blocks away from this house.
This kind of thing happens to me often, I will be thinking about things, and planning things in my mind and then I'll come across something and think 'Oh... look at that, I've never seen anything like that before' and suddenly, all my plans and previous thoughts just disappear from my mind. Also, the road I walked down has a gentle curve to it, it makes it seem like you are walking down a straight road, but really you are slowly walking down a road that turns slightly. This is why I started freaking out, because I remember that walking down this road, I passed a 7-11 and as I walked I looked back at the store a few times and saw it as a way of finding my way back to the road to the park by the community center, but because the road gently turned, about half way down it, I looked back and couldn't see the store anymore, and that's when I thought I would never find my way back home. It was also the spot where the pink house is as well. What I did, as I did before in my other miracle, I prayed for God to help me, and almost instantly, I felt a sort of calming presence. I was at a corner, and I was trying to decide which way to go when I felt and sort of heard a voice telling me to 'go straight'. I also had this strange sensation of being pulled, as if I had a sort of magnetic force inside me pulling me, gently, to cross the road. So I did, this happened several times, till I walked into a dead end street and the same gentle pulling sensation lead me to a hidden bike path that was nearly over grown with the brushes on either side of it, and the wooden marker at the beginning of the path was broken as well. I followed the bike path through to an alley, where it continued through another block, and when I got to the end of it, I was at the street where this house is, I don't think I would have found it without what I believe to be the guidance of an angel showing me the way home. I remember that my family was very annoyed with me because they were waiting for me in the van. We were going to the water park in the leisure center that is about a ten minute drive from this house, and it wasn't till then that I guess they realized that I was missing.
I was just glad to be home and everything, and not to have been left behind from the trip to the water park.
My third miracle happened in the bedroom I write this in when I was 13, and it was really kind of spooky. When I started junior high, I had many problems fitting in and stuff, as usual. As well, things were really dysfunctional with my family(not that they are much better now) and I took it really personal, of course. I had serious thoughts of suicide, detailed plans of what I would do and everything. I really just wanted to stop existing, sometimes I still feel that way. It's not like I think I'll go to heaven if I kill myself, it just that sometimes life feels like far far far too much effort and that I am really unwanted, and I just want to somehow, erase my existence and remove myself from all the confusing pain and suffering I feel emotionally because people find it so hard to love me. The only love that keeps me from killing myself is God's love, because it seems to show up every time I doubt that life is worth, you know, living. What happened is I had a plan, and I was going to do it, my mom had pain pills for something, something about her teeth I think.
Anyways, I saw where they were, and I was going to take them all to kill myself. Not only that, I knew, at the age of 13, how to climb on top of the house from the railing of our backyard deck. I could do it, and I was going to jump off the side of the house that is hidden from street view, so that if I survived the jump, the pain pills would still kill me before anyone found me there. I didn't have the chance to even act out even one part of this plan because when I got up in the middle of the night, because I waited for a time I thought everyone was totally asleep to do this, but as I got up I saw something I know most people will not believe that I saw. Angels, and not the fairy-baby-glowing image that people think angels should look like. No, these looked like body builders, twice my height, make of sunlight so blinding that it hurt to look at them. I only saw them for a split second because one of them, I think there were about a dozen of them surrounding me, touched me and I collapsed in front of my bed, before the door, before I could take a step out of my bedroom. What I felt was hard to describe, it felt like they talked to me from inside me telling me, viscerally, that God loved me and wanted me to be alive. I woke up in that strange position with a even stranger kind of physical weakness, like a reminder that it had really happened. I remember even feeling like I had barely fallen, but when I managed to get up from the where I was, it was morning. Even now, if I seriously consider killing myself, it's like I feel that weakness, like the touch of an angel so strong that it can take away my freedom to do things. It's like I'm not allowed to kill myself, God won't let me, I don't know why He lets others do it, but I think the reason it works this way for me is because I devoted myself to God when I first came to know His love through salvation. It's that overwhelming visceral sense of love from God that keeps my faith strong.
God protects me from even myself. It's humbling to think that I get so much favor from God, I don't think I deserve it.
My fourth miracle happened when I was an adult, just 19 to be exact. I had been living on my own in a shared accommodation house in the south of Calgary in a community called Lakeview, which is a very nice community. Although the bus service is not that good for that place. It was just before my sister Lydia decided to move to BC with Tyler, she had been working at a A&W where she had met him. We had gone out to a movie, I think it was for her birthday in August, but the problem was, as I found out on my way home, long after I had said goodbye, I found out when I was waiting for the bus that goes to Lakeview, the 47, and it went out of service earlier than I thought. There wasn't any other way to get home from the Chinook train station, and I was alone. My only 'roommate' at the time, a fifty-something year old woman I called Rosalie (not her real name) couldn't drive and didn't have a car or even cab fare to loan me. I knew this because I called 'home' from the Mac's store that's next the train station. I didn't have any money for a cab either. I really had barely enough money for the movie that Lydia and I went to that night, I really did a poor job of budgeting my money at that time in my life, and I didn't have any credit cards to help me either.
So I walked home from the Chinook train station at almost midnight. That's not the miracle, that I survived that walk, but what happened on the walk home on the Glenmore Trail that goes across Calgary largest man made body of water, the Glenmore Reservoir. The high way was actually pretty quiet at the time, and a kind of scary thing happened, a car was following me, and it creeped me out big time. Also, the bike trail that goes across the bridge was not finished at the time and I did something risky to get to it. I walked on the bike lane mostly, but then close to the end of the bridge, I noticed that the bike trail was just on the other side of the railing, about 15 feet down and it climbed a bit higher but I couldn't get to the higher part because it was fenced off with a 20 foot chain link fence to fence off the golf range that was there, is there, I think, I haven't been there recently. I decided to jump down to it, the bike trail below. I thought I should just hang on to the large railing, and drop myself down. I thought about my height, almost 6 feet, which would mean that the remaining distance to fall was about the height of a normal door, in my mind. This is what I was thinking.
What I didn't think about was the condensation on the trailing, I just thought it was cold, not wet. So when I slid myself under it, my arms on top, and then pushed myself off, planning to hang on to the railing. That didn't happen. I just fell off, and as I fell, totally out of control, I could feel myself falling crooked but then I felt like some kind of push on my left side. It might of been the force of an angel or the bike railing hitting my side, but it straightened me just as I landed hard on my feet. Which hurt a ton because all that walking up till that point had caused blisters on my feet because I wore the most stupid kind of shoes possible, canvas sneakers that were totally kind of small for me, but I thought they looked cool, that's why I wore them.
I know better these days not to wear things that look cool, I just wear things that feel comfortable, most of the time. All the blisters broke when I landed on my feet like that, and I screamed for a good five minutes I think, I almost collapsed right there, but I didn't, and I saw an angel again, like some kind of weird shimmering shadow and was barely visible. Somehow it seemed like this angel held me up and gave me strength to walk the rest of the way home. The best part though, I have not mentioned yet, because as I walked, I was now on the other side of the big 20 foot chain link fence that was around the walk way.
Just about a five minute walk past the bridge, there is a little car rest 'pull-over' lane. That car that was following me, it pulled into that lane, a man got out of the car as I was walking past and asked me if I would like a ride home. I had just walked so far from the bridge, and I was tired, but I couldn't get to the guy's car because of the fence, and I didn't really want to. I remember asking him "How do I know if you're safe" and the guy just shrugged, got back into his car and left. At least I don't think he tried to keep following me. I don't really know because after the chain link fence ended, about ten feet after the 'pull-over' lane, there are these huge cement sound barrier walls build to block the sound of the traffic from the community beside the road. These cement walls are about 10 feet high and have hidden, overlapping gaps that act as exits and entries that usually can't be seen from the road. I walked behind these cement walls until they ended, and I got home safely, much to the relief of Rosalie, who was so worried about me not returning at the time I said I would that she called my mom at 1am. Not a good thing. She had been waiting for me because I had lost my key and she was keeping the door of the place open for me. I totally had bleeding blisters and a strange, hand print like bruise on my side from that fall off the railing. I know I am lucky that worse didn't happen to me.
I will always be glad, even as a naive 19 year old, I didn't get into a strange mans car. Who knows what could have happened to me!!
These are the miracles that keep my faith strong, and that I think about often. I just wanted to get them recorded so I can look back at them when I need too.
I actually think about them often, the major personal miracles that I have experienced.
I mean, I could see many things as personal miracles, but honestly I only have about five that I think of as honest 'miracles' you know, the kind where angels show up and stuff?? Maybe you don't know those kinds of miracles, or maybe this post is not going to be read by anyone but me, so I'm the one that knows.
Anyways, here goes, stories of my miracles.
In all my miracles, well the ones I am going to describe now, I can actually tell you where they happened, like on a map and what physically happened is so obviously true because I'm still here to tell you about it.
My first miracle, the first one I can remember, besides the miracle of my salvation, which occurred a week after my first time through summer Bible school, during a boring sermon, where I first felt the Holy Spirit tell me that I am loved by God, before that, I really didn't understand, but then I did. It was the summer I was five, BTW.
The incident that I think of as a first miracle happened as I walked home from school alone, when I was five, so pretty much my first year of real school. Anyways, at the time my family lived in the smallest community in Calgary. Vista Heights, which is located just south of the Deerfoot and 16 Ave(if you know Calgary, you know where that is). I lived in a duplex(with stuck-co and green trim) just across from the park, and on the other end of that field that contained the park, is the school I first attended. From that house, my mom could technically watch me walk all the way home, almost. See, there is a hill. Well, the park, and the field, and the school, they all are lower than the road beside them. To get out of that field you have to climb out of it, and that climb is steep. As kids, my siblings and I often loved to sled on it in the winter. The only problem being that from the house we lived in, you could not see anyone at the base of that steep hill.
This is where I was attacked by some older boys on my way home, which was only about one block, maybe a block and a half technically, if you were counting from the roads on the other side of the field.
I was only walking alone because my best friend, Marian, was home sick with measles.
These boys that attacked me, they had teased me, and many others often.
They were the kind of boys that like to do stuff like that.
Here's how they attacked me, a five year old at the time, they pushed me down, face down on my belly.
Then I felt one of them (there were five of them, and I still know who most of them are, full names)
sit on my legs, another stood on my back, well, it felt like feet were on my back, but it could have been two of them with one foot each on my back. At the point where they were about to shove my face into the ground I actually clasped my hands together like you do when you pray when your a kid and shouted "JESUS HELP ME!"
That's when the strange and wonderful miracle happened. I don't know how, but instantly, INSTANTLY, I was standing, and moving. I thought I was running, but I didn't feel my feet on the ground, at least I don't remember feeling my feet on the ground, I also don't remember hearing my feet on the ground.
I do remember thinking that those boys might be chasing me, so when I got to my front walkway, I looked back at the field, to see how far I had gained on them, but they were all still just standing there, at the exact place where they pushed me down. You might think I am making this story up, but I'm not, and I don't care if you believe me or not. I do remember that my mom chided me about getting my shirt dirty, because it was a new white girls style polo shirt and I got grass stains on the front of it. As well, the first thing I did, because I did this every day, even when Marian walked me home, I would call her,or she would call me. That day I remember I called her, to see if I could come over. I could, because apparently she was well enough for me to come over and play. I remember that day I ran over to her house, which was one block down the street and three houses around the corner. When I got to her house, she said she was amazed at how fast I got there, it was like I developed some kind of Gideon like strength for running and sort of flew everywhere that day. I might be exaggerating it, but this is how I remember it.
My next miracle was when I was 11 years old and my family had just moved to this new house, the house I ironically live in now(even though I have lived many other places in my adult life). It was the first real day at this house, and of course my mom and some friends of theirs were all trying to get the house sorted out with all the stuff and all that moving entails. My siblings and I were apparently in the way so we were sent, with some neighbor kids, to the nearest park. Which is a part next too the community center, just about two blocks behind this house. In Falconridge BTW, it was a fairly new community when my family moved into the place. It used to be on the very north east edge of the city, but now there are two and a half communities where there used to be farm land. Anyways, I followed my siblings to the park next to the community center, but I didn't stay with them. I know, that was not very nice of me. I had this habit of not wanting to play the same things that my siblings did. I would rather explore, or read, or do anything else most of the time. I am that way now, I don't like to do what everyone else wants me to do. I'll do it if I really have to, but when I see a way out, I take it. So what I did was just keep walking. I don't even remember if my siblings and the neighbor kids even notice that I left them to play at the totally boring kiddie park. I had a plan though, I was only going to keep track of where I went in the neighborhood as I explored, you know, counting how many left or right turns I took or how many blocks I walked. I like getting to know places, even now, more than 20 years later, but I know as a child of only 11 years, I shouldn't have gone off on my own like that. It was summer time when my family moved to this house, of course, summer time is the best time to move with a family of school aged kids because then they can start the new year of school with all the other kids and not be like one of those oddball kids that has to interrupt a classroom one day with the teacher having to make an awkward introduction and all. That's just unnecessary and confusing for everyone because then being that new kid is hard because you have to catch up on things and stuff. It was good to move to this house in the summer of my eleventh year of life. It worked out OK.
Anyways, about the miracle that happened, well what happened was the my method of mentally tracking my progress through the neighborhood failed me. Also, because it was summer, and I forgot that I need to drink water, I had begun to feel the affects of the heat. I think it was about noon time when my siblings were sent with the neighbor kids to that park, I can't remember that part. What I do remember is suddenly feeling dizzy, because of the heat and looking around me and totally starting to freak out because I couldn't remember how to get home or how I had gotten where I was. It was mostly because I was distracted by a pink house. A pink house that still exists on that street, that is only a few blocks away from this house.
This kind of thing happens to me often, I will be thinking about things, and planning things in my mind and then I'll come across something and think 'Oh... look at that, I've never seen anything like that before' and suddenly, all my plans and previous thoughts just disappear from my mind. Also, the road I walked down has a gentle curve to it, it makes it seem like you are walking down a straight road, but really you are slowly walking down a road that turns slightly. This is why I started freaking out, because I remember that walking down this road, I passed a 7-11 and as I walked I looked back at the store a few times and saw it as a way of finding my way back to the road to the park by the community center, but because the road gently turned, about half way down it, I looked back and couldn't see the store anymore, and that's when I thought I would never find my way back home. It was also the spot where the pink house is as well. What I did, as I did before in my other miracle, I prayed for God to help me, and almost instantly, I felt a sort of calming presence. I was at a corner, and I was trying to decide which way to go when I felt and sort of heard a voice telling me to 'go straight'. I also had this strange sensation of being pulled, as if I had a sort of magnetic force inside me pulling me, gently, to cross the road. So I did, this happened several times, till I walked into a dead end street and the same gentle pulling sensation lead me to a hidden bike path that was nearly over grown with the brushes on either side of it, and the wooden marker at the beginning of the path was broken as well. I followed the bike path through to an alley, where it continued through another block, and when I got to the end of it, I was at the street where this house is, I don't think I would have found it without what I believe to be the guidance of an angel showing me the way home. I remember that my family was very annoyed with me because they were waiting for me in the van. We were going to the water park in the leisure center that is about a ten minute drive from this house, and it wasn't till then that I guess they realized that I was missing.
I was just glad to be home and everything, and not to have been left behind from the trip to the water park.
My third miracle happened in the bedroom I write this in when I was 13, and it was really kind of spooky. When I started junior high, I had many problems fitting in and stuff, as usual. As well, things were really dysfunctional with my family(not that they are much better now) and I took it really personal, of course. I had serious thoughts of suicide, detailed plans of what I would do and everything. I really just wanted to stop existing, sometimes I still feel that way. It's not like I think I'll go to heaven if I kill myself, it just that sometimes life feels like far far far too much effort and that I am really unwanted, and I just want to somehow, erase my existence and remove myself from all the confusing pain and suffering I feel emotionally because people find it so hard to love me. The only love that keeps me from killing myself is God's love, because it seems to show up every time I doubt that life is worth, you know, living. What happened is I had a plan, and I was going to do it, my mom had pain pills for something, something about her teeth I think.
Anyways, I saw where they were, and I was going to take them all to kill myself. Not only that, I knew, at the age of 13, how to climb on top of the house from the railing of our backyard deck. I could do it, and I was going to jump off the side of the house that is hidden from street view, so that if I survived the jump, the pain pills would still kill me before anyone found me there. I didn't have the chance to even act out even one part of this plan because when I got up in the middle of the night, because I waited for a time I thought everyone was totally asleep to do this, but as I got up I saw something I know most people will not believe that I saw. Angels, and not the fairy-baby-glowing image that people think angels should look like. No, these looked like body builders, twice my height, make of sunlight so blinding that it hurt to look at them. I only saw them for a split second because one of them, I think there were about a dozen of them surrounding me, touched me and I collapsed in front of my bed, before the door, before I could take a step out of my bedroom. What I felt was hard to describe, it felt like they talked to me from inside me telling me, viscerally, that God loved me and wanted me to be alive. I woke up in that strange position with a even stranger kind of physical weakness, like a reminder that it had really happened. I remember even feeling like I had barely fallen, but when I managed to get up from the where I was, it was morning. Even now, if I seriously consider killing myself, it's like I feel that weakness, like the touch of an angel so strong that it can take away my freedom to do things. It's like I'm not allowed to kill myself, God won't let me, I don't know why He lets others do it, but I think the reason it works this way for me is because I devoted myself to God when I first came to know His love through salvation. It's that overwhelming visceral sense of love from God that keeps my faith strong.
God protects me from even myself. It's humbling to think that I get so much favor from God, I don't think I deserve it.
My fourth miracle happened when I was an adult, just 19 to be exact. I had been living on my own in a shared accommodation house in the south of Calgary in a community called Lakeview, which is a very nice community. Although the bus service is not that good for that place. It was just before my sister Lydia decided to move to BC with Tyler, she had been working at a A&W where she had met him. We had gone out to a movie, I think it was for her birthday in August, but the problem was, as I found out on my way home, long after I had said goodbye, I found out when I was waiting for the bus that goes to Lakeview, the 47, and it went out of service earlier than I thought. There wasn't any other way to get home from the Chinook train station, and I was alone. My only 'roommate' at the time, a fifty-something year old woman I called Rosalie (not her real name) couldn't drive and didn't have a car or even cab fare to loan me. I knew this because I called 'home' from the Mac's store that's next the train station. I didn't have any money for a cab either. I really had barely enough money for the movie that Lydia and I went to that night, I really did a poor job of budgeting my money at that time in my life, and I didn't have any credit cards to help me either.
So I walked home from the Chinook train station at almost midnight. That's not the miracle, that I survived that walk, but what happened on the walk home on the Glenmore Trail that goes across Calgary largest man made body of water, the Glenmore Reservoir. The high way was actually pretty quiet at the time, and a kind of scary thing happened, a car was following me, and it creeped me out big time. Also, the bike trail that goes across the bridge was not finished at the time and I did something risky to get to it. I walked on the bike lane mostly, but then close to the end of the bridge, I noticed that the bike trail was just on the other side of the railing, about 15 feet down and it climbed a bit higher but I couldn't get to the higher part because it was fenced off with a 20 foot chain link fence to fence off the golf range that was there, is there, I think, I haven't been there recently. I decided to jump down to it, the bike trail below. I thought I should just hang on to the large railing, and drop myself down. I thought about my height, almost 6 feet, which would mean that the remaining distance to fall was about the height of a normal door, in my mind. This is what I was thinking.
What I didn't think about was the condensation on the trailing, I just thought it was cold, not wet. So when I slid myself under it, my arms on top, and then pushed myself off, planning to hang on to the railing. That didn't happen. I just fell off, and as I fell, totally out of control, I could feel myself falling crooked but then I felt like some kind of push on my left side. It might of been the force of an angel or the bike railing hitting my side, but it straightened me just as I landed hard on my feet. Which hurt a ton because all that walking up till that point had caused blisters on my feet because I wore the most stupid kind of shoes possible, canvas sneakers that were totally kind of small for me, but I thought they looked cool, that's why I wore them.
I know better these days not to wear things that look cool, I just wear things that feel comfortable, most of the time. All the blisters broke when I landed on my feet like that, and I screamed for a good five minutes I think, I almost collapsed right there, but I didn't, and I saw an angel again, like some kind of weird shimmering shadow and was barely visible. Somehow it seemed like this angel held me up and gave me strength to walk the rest of the way home. The best part though, I have not mentioned yet, because as I walked, I was now on the other side of the big 20 foot chain link fence that was around the walk way.
Just about a five minute walk past the bridge, there is a little car rest 'pull-over' lane. That car that was following me, it pulled into that lane, a man got out of the car as I was walking past and asked me if I would like a ride home. I had just walked so far from the bridge, and I was tired, but I couldn't get to the guy's car because of the fence, and I didn't really want to. I remember asking him "How do I know if you're safe" and the guy just shrugged, got back into his car and left. At least I don't think he tried to keep following me. I don't really know because after the chain link fence ended, about ten feet after the 'pull-over' lane, there are these huge cement sound barrier walls build to block the sound of the traffic from the community beside the road. These cement walls are about 10 feet high and have hidden, overlapping gaps that act as exits and entries that usually can't be seen from the road. I walked behind these cement walls until they ended, and I got home safely, much to the relief of Rosalie, who was so worried about me not returning at the time I said I would that she called my mom at 1am. Not a good thing. She had been waiting for me because I had lost my key and she was keeping the door of the place open for me. I totally had bleeding blisters and a strange, hand print like bruise on my side from that fall off the railing. I know I am lucky that worse didn't happen to me.
I will always be glad, even as a naive 19 year old, I didn't get into a strange mans car. Who knows what could have happened to me!!
These are the miracles that keep my faith strong, and that I think about often. I just wanted to get them recorded so I can look back at them when I need too.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Dentists are alot like car salesmen
For the first time in my whole life, I had a ROOT CANAL on one of my teeth.
It wasn't half bad. Honestly, I think I got through it pretty good.
The only thing that bothers me is my dentist seems to keep forgetting that all the work he does costs me something. I feel this way because he keeps suggesting other things, cavities that I 'need' filled, etc.
Really I don't think that my cavities need filling because they don't hurt.
I think he(dentist) forgot that he is the one who put in those fillings that fell out.
I know now that dental work is not guaranteed for a life time, but like most things in my life, I wish I was(don't we all)
Getting a root canal was very interesting, I learned that they remake your tooth out of a kind of plastic that they mold into place in tiny bits, like crafting work. That's after they totally carve almost all of the rotten tooth away.
I went to the bathroom for a pee in the middle of the procedure, just after they had pretty much done all the carving out of rotten tooth stuff. That did take a while because the freezing didn't take too well at first.
I have always had this problem, and I can't believe that my dentist doesn't remember that it takes more than twice the amount of chemicals to do the same job on me as it would do on your average person.
Yeah, I'm the kind of person for whom the average, recommended doze of any kind of chemical does not do what it would do for an average person. I often take 4, instead of 2 pills for a headache, and as a child I had terrible ear infections that nearly killed me with fever because the 'normal' doze of medicine didn't work for me, I needed double the amount to save me.
So, yeah, I at least 8 needles of 'freezing' for my mouth today. I didn't mind them so much though, I should have, but needles usually bother me more if I can see the blood coming out of me or something.
In my mouth, I expected it, and I was OK with it. I feel like I have special angels that are helping me with things that should be very difficult for me, but they're not lately. I don't know why, someone must be praying for me, that's what I think, what I hope.
Anyways, I saw the hole, all cleaned out of rotten tooth, in my mouth. Really it looked like most of my tooth had been taken away on me and a round row of little plastic sticks were a tiny little dam inside the almost non-existent tooth's hole.
I know they filled in that whole with tiny bits of plastic, like I said before, and used one of those purple lights that they use in nail salons(only shaped in a special tooth-gun thingy) to cement the plastic into place.
Now I have a super smooth tooth that's mostly plastic, I think.
My jaw doesn't even hurt too bad, just a slight ache, much less than the sharp pains I was having before, with all the rotten stuff.
It sort of makes me feel better, just knowing all the totally gross rotten stuff is gone and I won't feel that kind of pain in that tooth again. I might feel it in other teeth, but for now, I'll just hope that the day that happens is at least a few years from now.
I can't afford another $1400 bucks to have guy spend over an hour chiseling the crap out of one of my teeth and then slowly melting plastic inside the remaining hole.
All while trying to sell me more 'treatment' and such to someone like me who has less than no money and just wants to pay off all the credits cards and cancel them.
It wasn't half bad. Honestly, I think I got through it pretty good.
The only thing that bothers me is my dentist seems to keep forgetting that all the work he does costs me something. I feel this way because he keeps suggesting other things, cavities that I 'need' filled, etc.
Really I don't think that my cavities need filling because they don't hurt.
I think he(dentist) forgot that he is the one who put in those fillings that fell out.
I know now that dental work is not guaranteed for a life time, but like most things in my life, I wish I was(don't we all)
Getting a root canal was very interesting, I learned that they remake your tooth out of a kind of plastic that they mold into place in tiny bits, like crafting work. That's after they totally carve almost all of the rotten tooth away.
I went to the bathroom for a pee in the middle of the procedure, just after they had pretty much done all the carving out of rotten tooth stuff. That did take a while because the freezing didn't take too well at first.
I have always had this problem, and I can't believe that my dentist doesn't remember that it takes more than twice the amount of chemicals to do the same job on me as it would do on your average person.
Yeah, I'm the kind of person for whom the average, recommended doze of any kind of chemical does not do what it would do for an average person. I often take 4, instead of 2 pills for a headache, and as a child I had terrible ear infections that nearly killed me with fever because the 'normal' doze of medicine didn't work for me, I needed double the amount to save me.
So, yeah, I at least 8 needles of 'freezing' for my mouth today. I didn't mind them so much though, I should have, but needles usually bother me more if I can see the blood coming out of me or something.
In my mouth, I expected it, and I was OK with it. I feel like I have special angels that are helping me with things that should be very difficult for me, but they're not lately. I don't know why, someone must be praying for me, that's what I think, what I hope.
Anyways, I saw the hole, all cleaned out of rotten tooth, in my mouth. Really it looked like most of my tooth had been taken away on me and a round row of little plastic sticks were a tiny little dam inside the almost non-existent tooth's hole.
I know they filled in that whole with tiny bits of plastic, like I said before, and used one of those purple lights that they use in nail salons(only shaped in a special tooth-gun thingy) to cement the plastic into place.
Now I have a super smooth tooth that's mostly plastic, I think.
My jaw doesn't even hurt too bad, just a slight ache, much less than the sharp pains I was having before, with all the rotten stuff.
It sort of makes me feel better, just knowing all the totally gross rotten stuff is gone and I won't feel that kind of pain in that tooth again. I might feel it in other teeth, but for now, I'll just hope that the day that happens is at least a few years from now.
I can't afford another $1400 bucks to have guy spend over an hour chiseling the crap out of one of my teeth and then slowly melting plastic inside the remaining hole.
All while trying to sell me more 'treatment' and such to someone like me who has less than no money and just wants to pay off all the credits cards and cancel them.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
I just don't fit in
Father's Day is coming up soon, and it makes me feel terrible, not because my Dad is dead, because I'm actually totally OK with him being gone from my life. I made peace with the fact that I will probably not see him till I too, meet my maker.
The way that Father's Day makes me feel sad is selfish, and horrible. I feel sad about it because I can't join in with it, I have no real reason to buy a card or whatever. I mean, I could buy a card for Jacob, or Parker adoptive Dad, James, or even for my brother in law, Tyler, but the fact that I can't buy one for my actual Dad.
Well, I could, but it would be pointless because he isn't physically around.
I am freaky in the belief that part of my Dad's spirit lives in me, and that because I have Jesus in my heart, and I know that my Dad is with Jesus, then my Dad is with me too. Did you follow that?? Maybe not, but I'll just continue.
So, I feel like a person who doesn't have something that everyone else kind of has, at least, what everyone I encounter most of the time has, a living human being that they can call 'Dad'.
I don't have one, and it makes me sad, in a selfish, 'I wanna be like everyone else' kind of way.
I know I shouldn't feel this way, that I am jilted and denied a luxury, when I should be missing my Dad.
Honestly, I can't imagine my Dad being a part of my life, well, I can, just a little bit, but at this point, I actually wouldn't want him as part of my life, if he were alive.
Things in my life have worked out well partly because he died. If he had not died, then I would have had trouble moving back home, or living at home, because there wouldn't have been room for me, as well my mom would have been even more impossible than she is now. It would have been a different experience, and it is unlikely that I would have had a relationship with Jacob had my Dad been alive when I met Jacob because I wouldn't have had all the time alone at home if my Dad were around, and Jacob would not have been able to seduce me like he did. If my Dad were alive, Jacob would have probably never tried to be with me in the first place. Maybe that would have been a nice thing to have happen, but it didn't, and I can't imagine things happening differently now, well, it's very difficult to imagine a different life now.
Many things in my life that I am used to now would have not happened, if my Dad were alive.
Not that him being alive would have been a bad thing, it just would have been a different things to be used to.
I used to be mad about my Dad being taken from me, but now I am actually glad that he doesn't have to endure my mom and her constant nagging and impossible-ness. He's lucky in that way.
I know God is in control and everything happens the way that it's supposed too, according to His will, so it's easy to accept the loss of my Dad as a person, but as a social status, it's gets harder for me.
There is already so much about me that makes it hard for me to fit in, it frustrates me that even something as simple as basic family structure (having two parents, etc) is something I can't even aspire too.
Also, for someone like me, that likes to give simple gifts to people I care about, I feel frustrated that I can't even buy a card.
Although Father's Day is almost a forgotten holiday, the only way I remember it is because I work in a store, in a mall, and stores and malls use every single little holiday to try and make you buy! Buy! BUY! Just anything they can make you buy. I'm just a too easily swayed towards buying things that most people don't even care about.
Every year wonder if I should send James a card, or wish Jacob a pleasant Father Day.
Then I am stuck in the usual, 'I didn't do it last year, or the year before, it might be weird to start now'
I am a procrastinator, there are so many things I regret not doing, and feel like it's too late to do them, so then I still don't do them.
I wanted to go to my Dad's grave, but that always seems pointless, I know he is not there, not the part of him that matters, his spirit, that's already with me, and with Jesus. Still, it might be nice to look at the very expensive grave stone that somehow, has the date of birth wrong(my mom's fault). I'm sure that the people who manage the grave stones probably wish that families came more often, but it's just too far for me to go, and my mom always makes excuses about having to do other things. Oh well...
I should be glad that my grief over my Dad seems to have dissipated for most part.
I mean, I feel a twinge of pain here and there when I think of little things that it seems like would have be interesting to have him involved, like my sister's wedding, or the growth of his grandchildren.
It might seem crazy, but I actually think he can see all this, I doubt that heaven has the kind of bounds that people think it does, I think that if you go to heaven after you die, you will instantly know about all the things in all of life, and it will all make sense, just like it says it will in the Bible. I really believe that.
I know, I'm crazy.
The way that Father's Day makes me feel sad is selfish, and horrible. I feel sad about it because I can't join in with it, I have no real reason to buy a card or whatever. I mean, I could buy a card for Jacob, or Parker adoptive Dad, James, or even for my brother in law, Tyler, but the fact that I can't buy one for my actual Dad.
Well, I could, but it would be pointless because he isn't physically around.
I am freaky in the belief that part of my Dad's spirit lives in me, and that because I have Jesus in my heart, and I know that my Dad is with Jesus, then my Dad is with me too. Did you follow that?? Maybe not, but I'll just continue.
So, I feel like a person who doesn't have something that everyone else kind of has, at least, what everyone I encounter most of the time has, a living human being that they can call 'Dad'.
I don't have one, and it makes me sad, in a selfish, 'I wanna be like everyone else' kind of way.
I know I shouldn't feel this way, that I am jilted and denied a luxury, when I should be missing my Dad.
Honestly, I can't imagine my Dad being a part of my life, well, I can, just a little bit, but at this point, I actually wouldn't want him as part of my life, if he were alive.
Things in my life have worked out well partly because he died. If he had not died, then I would have had trouble moving back home, or living at home, because there wouldn't have been room for me, as well my mom would have been even more impossible than she is now. It would have been a different experience, and it is unlikely that I would have had a relationship with Jacob had my Dad been alive when I met Jacob because I wouldn't have had all the time alone at home if my Dad were around, and Jacob would not have been able to seduce me like he did. If my Dad were alive, Jacob would have probably never tried to be with me in the first place. Maybe that would have been a nice thing to have happen, but it didn't, and I can't imagine things happening differently now, well, it's very difficult to imagine a different life now.
Many things in my life that I am used to now would have not happened, if my Dad were alive.
Not that him being alive would have been a bad thing, it just would have been a different things to be used to.
I used to be mad about my Dad being taken from me, but now I am actually glad that he doesn't have to endure my mom and her constant nagging and impossible-ness. He's lucky in that way.
I know God is in control and everything happens the way that it's supposed too, according to His will, so it's easy to accept the loss of my Dad as a person, but as a social status, it's gets harder for me.
There is already so much about me that makes it hard for me to fit in, it frustrates me that even something as simple as basic family structure (having two parents, etc) is something I can't even aspire too.
Also, for someone like me, that likes to give simple gifts to people I care about, I feel frustrated that I can't even buy a card.
Although Father's Day is almost a forgotten holiday, the only way I remember it is because I work in a store, in a mall, and stores and malls use every single little holiday to try and make you buy! Buy! BUY! Just anything they can make you buy. I'm just a too easily swayed towards buying things that most people don't even care about.
Every year wonder if I should send James a card, or wish Jacob a pleasant Father Day.
Then I am stuck in the usual, 'I didn't do it last year, or the year before, it might be weird to start now'
I am a procrastinator, there are so many things I regret not doing, and feel like it's too late to do them, so then I still don't do them.
I wanted to go to my Dad's grave, but that always seems pointless, I know he is not there, not the part of him that matters, his spirit, that's already with me, and with Jesus. Still, it might be nice to look at the very expensive grave stone that somehow, has the date of birth wrong(my mom's fault). I'm sure that the people who manage the grave stones probably wish that families came more often, but it's just too far for me to go, and my mom always makes excuses about having to do other things. Oh well...
I should be glad that my grief over my Dad seems to have dissipated for most part.
I mean, I feel a twinge of pain here and there when I think of little things that it seems like would have be interesting to have him involved, like my sister's wedding, or the growth of his grandchildren.
It might seem crazy, but I actually think he can see all this, I doubt that heaven has the kind of bounds that people think it does, I think that if you go to heaven after you die, you will instantly know about all the things in all of life, and it will all make sense, just like it says it will in the Bible. I really believe that.
I know, I'm crazy.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Why I don't want to drive or own a car/vehicle
Most people, when learning that I don't drive, like to try and convince me to learn and that having your own transportation is empowering and much much better than anything that I am currently doing.
But I beg to differ, there are many many reasons that owning and/or using a car is far more difficult and troublesome that it could ever be worth for me. Here are my reasons why
I mean, it boggles my mind that people have to leave this personal property, that cost literally thousands, if not almost the same cost as your house or your cell phone and you have to leave it unattended, in public, often, regularly. My mom got her windows broken just a about a month ago while she was at work, and she was parked in the staff parking that is supposed to have extra security for them! Also, you have to replace your car or whatever every few years, that is a HUGE expense.
I have worn the same glasses for 8 years, and had the same laptop for 5, I don't want to have to change and go through all the stress of buying, renewing, managing, repairing. All these things cost money. Why pay all this money for such relatively risky venture? I often wish my shoes would never wear out, I'm not one for fashion, I just like it when things work well. Like when shoes are comfortable, but unfortunately they never stay that way, because I use them, you know, for walking, not just wearing to look nice. It's the same with cars, if they would last forever, if people drove safer(without using cell phones) and I didn't have to spend all my money on fuel and insurance and such, I might think having a car is a good idea, but that will never happen, so, it is not a good idea.
I think it's just for a wasteful to spend so much money to make life go far too fast in my opinion. A bus pass, or even regular transit fare is a much better value in my view, because I really do know how to make the most of it! In Calgary, there are almost 500 different bus routes, and three train routes, in ten years, there's supposed to be a fourth train route. There is literally bus service everywhere in my city, and they are working on making it even better. I saw a rating scale once that said that Calgary was either 3 or 4 on the best cities for public transit in Canada. Some places are not as good as Calgary, and I think everyone should take better advantage of the public services provided here at a very reasonable rate! Much more reasonable than the cost and maintenance of a personal vehicle for sure!
That is, if I really just want to get from point A to point B. Usually only for out of city kind of traveling.
Within my own city, Calgary, I would rather travel by public transit, it feels more free to me. I can get off the bus at any time I want. I know there are usually plenty of connecting buses and options for getting back on my journey to work/store/home/library/church/etc and I know to give myself plenty of time to get where I am going. I am often annoyed by the rush that people who drive cars seems to be in, as a person who doesn't drive, the journey to a place is just as important as being at the place. All the places in between the place where I am going and/or coming from are important to me. I feel disoriented when I have not seen all the places in between. Or I feel that I missed out on stopping somewhere or learning about the whole area of a place if I don't get to take public transit to that place. I like having options and freedoms available to me. I want to know that there is a convenience store just a couple blocks away from a friend that I am visiting so that if I really need a snack, I don't have to rely on my friend/acquaintance/family member to get it for me.
I know your going to say that if I had a car than I could go to that store, and probably see it on my way there as well, but that isn't always the truth, and I would again know that every drive in 'my' car would cost me, while public transit pays for itself after about a week, if you use it like I do. Also, I like being by myself when you have a car, and you visit someone, then you want to go to the store quickly for a snack, that friend will likely want to come with, but if you say you want to take a walk, they might come with you as well, but usually not. While being around strangers on public transit is not always comfortable, but on public transit, I have the choice to move away from others most times. In a car, your stuck, in close quarters, with whoever is in the car with you. I like being with friends sometimes, but I also like being able to create a sense of my own space, you can't do that in a car. I like to think I learn about others from a certain distance and usually have more interesting stories to tell than people who drive, because drivers can hardly see other drivers, or know anything about them. I like learning about people, even if it makes me uncomfortable, it's usually just for 10-15 minutes or less, and I have the choice to move physically, away from people. Also, I like walking, I know that to look at me, you wouldn't think that I am that physically active, but I walk probably about 30 minutes a day just getting to and from work. I also stand and walk around at work most of the time, but I'm telling you about public transit, and part of public transit is walk ways. I think that more people should walk, most people these days don't even think of walking as a way of transporting yourself, when it should be the first thing that comes to mind! This is why the shoes of people who drive don't wear out like mine to, because they rarely do more than take fifty steps to their cars or something like that! Now, there plenty of walk ways in Calgary, but many of them are unfinished, which is annoying and dangerous. I think that if more people wanted to walk to places, more of these walk ways would be finished sooner, because people would be demanding that they get done. I usually love finding unique ways to get to places, that, with cars would be nearly impossible because of roads. I know of more than a few places where, to get from place to place walking, albeit through some broken chain link fence and across some empty lots, is faster than trying to get to said places by car, where a driver would have to go in circles twice or three times to get the right turn off, and even then, it's one of those annoying busy turn offs where things seem to take forever to let you through.
It is difficult to carry things that you buy when you have to walk, but I think it really makes you think more about what you do buy and how you are going to get it home. I think I am sometimes more responsible with how I spend my money because I have to carry what I buy for a few blocks. I'm thinking that's good exercise anyways, and I know I need more of that! Other people, who drive might like to pay fees to get fit at special gyms and stuff, but I prefer to just have things like carrying home 20 pounds of fruit as an effort to keep me from getting too much fatter than I already am.
I know, I'm soap-boxing about being a bit more 'green' but really, it's only by happenstance.
Usually, asking someone for a ride is a last resort for me, I always seek out all possible options, and about 8 times out of 10, I take those options rather than ask someone for a ride, even if it is taking a taxi. Taxis are public transit too, and even though they are sometimes too expensive, they can be very useful. There are some places in the world that don't even have taxis, or standardized fares, so being in a city that has plenty of taxis, and standardized fares is good, but if that option cannot be used, or if it seems reasonable for me to ask a friend who has spoken the fateful phrase at any point in time to me "If you need anything, just ask me"
I know many people don't mean it when they say it, but if you know me, you should watch out what you say, because I will call every bluff you make, that's a promise.
These are my reasons, I probably have more, that I just don't remember or can't really explain, but I think this is enough for now.
But I beg to differ, there are many many reasons that owning and/or using a car is far more difficult and troublesome that it could ever be worth for me. Here are my reasons why
1. It costs too much and is too much of a risk. Even if I turn out to be a good driver, even if I buy a fuel efficient car, even if I can use it often and easily, it is still a risk because the world at large is a risk.
I know you might say that I face the same kind of risks on public transit, but I feel safer on public transit than I do in a personal vehicle because transit has hundreds of safety measures around to keep me safe. Things like cameras, police that are specifically assigned to public transit, heavy duty vehicles driven by drivers that have to face testing and training far harsher than an ordinary driver on the road. Yes accidents have still happened, and people have still died, but those accidents are still more rare than motor vehicle accidents by people with private vehicles. I still see way to many people using their cell phones while driving to ever feel that being a driver next to the cars with people who are not even watching the road is better than being on the light rail train built twenty feet or so from them. The train wins in safety compared to the drivers on the road when it comes to getting home faster too. I almost laugh sometimes when I see grid-locked traffic looking out the C-Train that is traveling about 30kph totally past all those hundreds of people in their cars thinking that their independent travel gets them home faster than a train. It looks like a parking lot sometimes, and I get to just coast right through it without any hesitation except for the 20-30 second stops at stations.I mean, it boggles my mind that people have to leave this personal property, that cost literally thousands, if not almost the same cost as your house or your cell phone and you have to leave it unattended, in public, often, regularly. My mom got her windows broken just a about a month ago while she was at work, and she was parked in the staff parking that is supposed to have extra security for them! Also, you have to replace your car or whatever every few years, that is a HUGE expense.
I have worn the same glasses for 8 years, and had the same laptop for 5, I don't want to have to change and go through all the stress of buying, renewing, managing, repairing. All these things cost money. Why pay all this money for such relatively risky venture? I often wish my shoes would never wear out, I'm not one for fashion, I just like it when things work well. Like when shoes are comfortable, but unfortunately they never stay that way, because I use them, you know, for walking, not just wearing to look nice. It's the same with cars, if they would last forever, if people drove safer(without using cell phones) and I didn't have to spend all my money on fuel and insurance and such, I might think having a car is a good idea, but that will never happen, so, it is not a good idea.
I think it's just for a wasteful to spend so much money to make life go far too fast in my opinion. A bus pass, or even regular transit fare is a much better value in my view, because I really do know how to make the most of it! In Calgary, there are almost 500 different bus routes, and three train routes, in ten years, there's supposed to be a fourth train route. There is literally bus service everywhere in my city, and they are working on making it even better. I saw a rating scale once that said that Calgary was either 3 or 4 on the best cities for public transit in Canada. Some places are not as good as Calgary, and I think everyone should take better advantage of the public services provided here at a very reasonable rate! Much more reasonable than the cost and maintenance of a personal vehicle for sure!
2. You miss so much by driving rather than doing public transit or walking, etc.
I know that it can seem like a annoying thing to wait and wait when you want to be where you are going sooner than a bus can arrive or that it seems like too much effort to walk for a few blocks, but honestly, that time spent waiting is a gift. There is so much thinking that I do when I am waiting/walking/riding public transit. I love thinking about many many things, also reading and even writing in public. If I was driving, thinking about anything other than driving would be dangerous, and yes many people do that, and it leads to many horrible accidents. Being in a car, or any other vehicle other than public transit makes me feel claustrophobic, and a little nausea too. I often feel 'trapped' even in a relatively comfortable car because in a car you're kind of 'stuck' there until your at the place where you are going. Now, I'm OK with being in a car/personal vehicle for long periods of time if that is the best choice.That is, if I really just want to get from point A to point B. Usually only for out of city kind of traveling.
Within my own city, Calgary, I would rather travel by public transit, it feels more free to me. I can get off the bus at any time I want. I know there are usually plenty of connecting buses and options for getting back on my journey to work/store/home/library/church/etc and I know to give myself plenty of time to get where I am going. I am often annoyed by the rush that people who drive cars seems to be in, as a person who doesn't drive, the journey to a place is just as important as being at the place. All the places in between the place where I am going and/or coming from are important to me. I feel disoriented when I have not seen all the places in between. Or I feel that I missed out on stopping somewhere or learning about the whole area of a place if I don't get to take public transit to that place. I like having options and freedoms available to me. I want to know that there is a convenience store just a couple blocks away from a friend that I am visiting so that if I really need a snack, I don't have to rely on my friend/acquaintance/family member to get it for me.
I know your going to say that if I had a car than I could go to that store, and probably see it on my way there as well, but that isn't always the truth, and I would again know that every drive in 'my' car would cost me, while public transit pays for itself after about a week, if you use it like I do. Also, I like being by myself when you have a car, and you visit someone, then you want to go to the store quickly for a snack, that friend will likely want to come with, but if you say you want to take a walk, they might come with you as well, but usually not. While being around strangers on public transit is not always comfortable, but on public transit, I have the choice to move away from others most times. In a car, your stuck, in close quarters, with whoever is in the car with you. I like being with friends sometimes, but I also like being able to create a sense of my own space, you can't do that in a car. I like to think I learn about others from a certain distance and usually have more interesting stories to tell than people who drive, because drivers can hardly see other drivers, or know anything about them. I like learning about people, even if it makes me uncomfortable, it's usually just for 10-15 minutes or less, and I have the choice to move physically, away from people. Also, I like walking, I know that to look at me, you wouldn't think that I am that physically active, but I walk probably about 30 minutes a day just getting to and from work. I also stand and walk around at work most of the time, but I'm telling you about public transit, and part of public transit is walk ways. I think that more people should walk, most people these days don't even think of walking as a way of transporting yourself, when it should be the first thing that comes to mind! This is why the shoes of people who drive don't wear out like mine to, because they rarely do more than take fifty steps to their cars or something like that! Now, there plenty of walk ways in Calgary, but many of them are unfinished, which is annoying and dangerous. I think that if more people wanted to walk to places, more of these walk ways would be finished sooner, because people would be demanding that they get done. I usually love finding unique ways to get to places, that, with cars would be nearly impossible because of roads. I know of more than a few places where, to get from place to place walking, albeit through some broken chain link fence and across some empty lots, is faster than trying to get to said places by car, where a driver would have to go in circles twice or three times to get the right turn off, and even then, it's one of those annoying busy turn offs where things seem to take forever to let you through.
It is difficult to carry things that you buy when you have to walk, but I think it really makes you think more about what you do buy and how you are going to get it home. I think I am sometimes more responsible with how I spend my money because I have to carry what I buy for a few blocks. I'm thinking that's good exercise anyways, and I know I need more of that! Other people, who drive might like to pay fees to get fit at special gyms and stuff, but I prefer to just have things like carrying home 20 pounds of fruit as an effort to keep me from getting too much fatter than I already am.
3. I don't need to buy something that everyone else has, also, cars are made with more than one seat, and usually many people, from relatively close to where I live, are going to places that I am going to as well.
Which means that they should be willing to let me be in the seats in their vehicles that are not being used by them. My weight is not going to affect their fuel consumption very much, and even then, I am willing to pay a reasonable amount if they just ask me or allow me to do so. Also, I don't do things just because everyone else is doing them. Just because it's popular doesn't mean it's smart or a good choice for me. I do things that are good choices for me. If I really needed a car, I'd get one, but I don't and I won't. Personally, I have decided that I won't get a car unless I get a husband and he wants to move to a rural location where we build our own house. Until, or IF that sort of impossible dream happens. I don't need a car. I probably wouldn't need a car anyways, if I had a husband, even if we moved to a rural location, because he would drive me anywhere I wanted, if this hypothetical husband existed. Or, if I got a kind of job that needed a car all the time, then I would get one, but I don't have that kind of job, and I probably won't in the near future either. It isn't wise for me to spend money I don't have, I see others do it all the time, spend money they don't have, and I have falling into that trap at times as well, and I am just escaping it and not willing to make more of the same kind of mistakes as that. If I made about 90 percent more than the cost of a car in a year, I might get one, but seeing as I make about the cost of a car in one year, it would be stupid of me to get one only to have even more horrible consumer debt than I already have. I think there are way too many cars and other personal vehicles out there anyways, and the automobile industry is too tricky and I just don't want to invest in something I don't understand on a fundamental level. I want to be the person that forces others to see that they act too rich and take themselves to seriously because they drive personal vehicles. I honestly get this impression from people who drive that they think they are better than me because they own and drive a car. As if I have suddenly turned into a ugly street person by being someone who advocates public transit and *gasp* expects them to share their resource that they under utilize on a regular basis.I know, I'm soap-boxing about being a bit more 'green' but really, it's only by happenstance.
Usually, asking someone for a ride is a last resort for me, I always seek out all possible options, and about 8 times out of 10, I take those options rather than ask someone for a ride, even if it is taking a taxi. Taxis are public transit too, and even though they are sometimes too expensive, they can be very useful. There are some places in the world that don't even have taxis, or standardized fares, so being in a city that has plenty of taxis, and standardized fares is good, but if that option cannot be used, or if it seems reasonable for me to ask a friend who has spoken the fateful phrase at any point in time to me "If you need anything, just ask me"
I know many people don't mean it when they say it, but if you know me, you should watch out what you say, because I will call every bluff you make, that's a promise.
4. It's too much effort, for little reward for me to learn to drive.
Most people who learn that I can't even drive, even though I tell them I have no need of owning a car and cannot afford it say that I should at least learn how to drive. But I don't see the point in learning to drive if I do not plan on immediately using that skill. Also, learning to drive is expensive and time consuming, there are many other things I would rather do, and that I need to do, rather than learn how to drive. Honestly, I think most of the reason that people want me to learn how to drive is because they can't stand it that I'm different than them. It's like when they give me fashion advice or life advice about things, I know they mean well, but so much of people's advice is 'Be Just Like Me'. Now, I am not saying that anyone should be like me, even though sometimes I too am guilty of that, I like being different, I feel like I should have the right to be different, to not actually do every single thing that everyone else does. Yes, I will happen to do many of the same things as other people, often without knowing, and that is the best way. That would mean that I am being myself, and common things being common, I know that I will do many of the same things as other people, and I like that. I also like feeling like I made the choice to do those things, and you didn't make that choice for me. I don't like being pressured into doing anything, and often I will eventually learn everything that other people have learned, in my own time. And often I will have learned other things that other people do not care about at all, but are very important to me about the world because I didn't obey people who told me to learn something, just to be like they are.These are my reasons, I probably have more, that I just don't remember or can't really explain, but I think this is enough for now.
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